Random ranting

Sorry to have skipped out the last two days, I am sure my reasons were very good. It is very funny that at my last report card I said I didn't think I would ever not do my journaling. Just when you think something is a sure bet it all changes. Let's see, it has been such a whirlwind not sure what to write about tonight.
It is the time of the month that I get headaches and they have been very bad the last few nights. Ouch! My hard drive finally crashed on my computer so I am running electronic life between three different machines (new laptop, Mac Air, yeah!) and I can't figure out how to blog from my phone. I am sure there is a way to do it but...I could go on with more excuses but I think you get the point. I didn't do it.
This ride just got wild, really wild. Chances are it is just to be expected at this point in my journey. The whole break down, break up, break through cycle right? But seriously, how many times am I going to break through and where I am breaking through to? It feels like the part in a roller coaster where I turn myself into the smallest ball I can and scream as loud as I my lungs will let me to block out the crazy feelings in my body.
Today was a great day full of emotions. I feel like I ran the gauntlet today. Tears, laughter, anger, fear, love, joy. I know that feeling emotions fully is a really good thing. They keep me open and vulnerable, ready to connect with others, closer to God, all really good things. They can just be so darn inconvenient, man. Met with my minister today and that really helped a lot. It is so nice when people just listen to you and let you work your way through to your own answers. I wish I had that skill set, someday!

I made a hockey goal tonight, wahoo! It always feels really good to score. On the flip side I accidentally erased the entire last 5 years of our family pictures. Thought I was erasing duplicates and erased them all. I literally almost threw up all over the keyboard. It was so painful. To make matters worst Clarity was standing right there and burst into tears, big sobbing crocodile tears. I have the worst memory in the whole world and I rely on pictures, people and places to show me my memories.
That type of big stuff NEVER happens to me, I mean, it just never happens. Sure I go through the normal range of day to day emotions and good and bad experiences. But that huge of a #$"@ up, I just don't do that. I have tried to go back through all my thought processes and each step I took and what the voices in my head were saying. It is just crazy! I am praying with all my might that the data recovery software I am using can make things right in my world again, at least my memory world.
Leaving for a Valentine's trip to Denver with my husband and our friends to see Government Mule. It will be interesting to see how the trip goes after this cathartic day. I wish I could take a vacation from myself. I am so tired of being in my own body and struggling with my same ol' sh#$. It just never goes away and it is getting old fast. I pray there is a light at the end of the tunnel and really great stuff is going to be a result of facing myself and my demons like this. Anyway, I have to think that or it all feels pointless.
I feel jerked around by my feelings. It seems like I am always just reacting to what my feelings are and making decisions based from that. According to my Abraham cd's that is job, my only job. To listen and respond to my feelings. It feels so arbitrary and chaotic to do it that way and I am not sure I am getting the results that I want. If so, where's my job? It's right around the corner, I swear it has to be.  Well I could go on and on, as you can tell, my brain is running but it is way past my 11 o'clock bedtime. Sweet dreams!