HI, my name is Sally Boynton Brown and I have an eating disorder.

Okay, so I am going to try my own advice and see if telling my story helps me let go of it.

I wish it had a name because that would make it easier to talk about. When I went to dinner parties I would have an easy, fast way to explain to my host why I wasn't eating the food they cooked special just for me. I wish I knew someone else that suffered from the same dilemma, actually, never mind. I wouldn't wish this on anyone I knew. I wish I could find the right words to do the Googles and find out that others suffer like I do because then I wouldn't feel so alone. I wish I could find a Food Haters Anonymous support group to attend. "Hi my name is Sally Boynton Brown. I made myself eat 5 times yesterday and half of it was vegetables, no bread at all" and gasps would sound and I would get kudos and pats on the back.
This isn't your typical eating disorder that is somehow related to my weight. Because it isn't, although I know people look at me and wonder. I happen to be slender and have a good metabolism but that isn't because of anything I do or don't do. If I could get away with eating lucky charms for breakfast, macaroni and cheese for lunch, white rolls and pasta with butter for dinner and finish my day off with a pint of ice cream like I have for the first 30 years of my life I would. I don't know how many people throughout my lifetime have commented, "I sure wish I could eat the crap you put in your body and not pay the price."
But it appears that after eating that way the majority of my life my body isn't interested anymore. I am paying the price. If I don't pay attention to what and how often I eat I get dizzy, headaches, slow thinking, bloating and diarrhea, lethargy, mood swings and irritability, just to name a few of the side affects. In the end that is why I term my experience an eating disorder. It affects my relationships, my activities and just about every choice I make. If you have ever spent more than a half an hour with me you have heard me talking about food.
Which is ironic because I don't like food. I just don't. In case you don't believe me, the majority of my life I could count on one hand the foods that I like. 1. Macaroni and Cheese 2. Grilled Cheese 3. White Bread/Rice 4. Butter 5. almost anything with sugar in it but no fruit. If I could get all of my nutrients through osmosis I would. There are so many times when I don't even have the energy to chew my food let alone deal with all the tastes and sensations food causes.  There are so many times I realize that it is one or two in the afternoon and I haven't eaten.
And before you even think it, STOP. If I hear one more person say, "I would love to have THAT problem, if I see one more person look at me with envy because of my size or make a snide comment about their weight compared to mine I'll scream.  "It isn't all that it's cracked up to be, I am f%$#^ up too, just in a different way. It isn't any easier". In fact I think over-eating and under-eating are a lot alike. I have to think about and analyze everything I put into my body just like someone trying to lose weight does. I can't rely on my instincts or cravings to steer me in the right direction. I can't trust myself!

Here is my story. I have told it so many times it has ceased to hold value but maybe, just maybe writing it down will unearth some new discovery or clue. I liked foods, all foods just fine until I was about two years old and started having terrible ear infections. My mom says after that the only thing I would eat was Gerber Rice Cereal. And remember, this was back in the day when Gerber rice cereal was full of sugar. I still have vague memories of loving that stuff. My mom might be able to clue me into what happened between that time and when I started forming my own permanent memories.
The first thing I remember about food is the battles. Huge battle between all the adults in my life and what I would eat, when and how much. My family, as most, had a few rules surrounding mealtimes. There was the classic one bite rule. I had to have one bite of everything on the table. There was the classic clear your plate rule, everything I put on my plate had to be finished. I remember sitting for what seemed like hours at the table chewing on one piece of meat. I remember puking all over a meal because I was made to eat a tomato. I remember coming up with every way imaginable to get rid of my food rather than eating it (unfortunately we didn't have a dog). I remember not being able to order a cheeseburger at McDonald's because it took too long for them to make it plain. I remember being fed the last half of my breakfast before leaving for school, in 6th grade. I remember making just the butter and sugar part of cookie dough to eat. I remember not being able to even have jello or cake mixes in the house because I would eat them plain. I remember stealing money and buying $20 worth of candy and having it gone by the end of the school day. I remember having to spend my allowance to get myself the kraft macaroni and cheese and sugar cereals that I loved so much. I remember putting over 1/4 cup of sugar on our non-sugar cereals. I remember saving up school sugar packets to take with me when I spent the night at my friends house whose parents only used honey. I remember my parents saying when I grew up my tastes would change. Liars!
Sugar tasted good, it felt good, it was yummy! Easy to eat, nice to taste and it was mine. I unconsciously developed a great gag reflex so that I could finally have control over what foods I put into my body. Every time I tasted something with the least bit of flavor I would start to gag. Not purposefully, my gag reflex would just kick in and keep food out. Some sort of strange mind/body connection that I wasn't aware of developing. I wasn't going to let anyone have control over me. I would eat what I wanted, when I wanted. I guess I associated healthy foods with my parents trying to control me and sugar as my ultimate revenge. Ah ha, epiphany. I knew it would happen!
So fast forward. I get pregnant for the first time and low and behold I LIKE food for the first time. Actually crave green things, get hungry and finish meals and have an appetite. It was like a miracle was happening, which it was, inside me.  As soon as the baby was out my eating habits were back in place. However a seed was planted. That was my first exposure to healthy eating as an adult with free choice and from there on out I have been committed to taking control over my eating and finding balance. Which is so ironic given that it appears to all have started as a control issue in the first place. It has been a long and lonely road. Very few people ever understand or appreciate how painful it is to have problems with this very essential key to my survival. And the people that could understand usually are too jealous to listen.
I am so close to balance. I can feel it, my body is thriving on it. In the last year I have added beets, green beans, pea pods, a number of new grains, and fish to my diet. I have tasted tomatoes, peppers, shellfish, onions, mushrooms, and tofu. I have awakened cravings for cucumbers, zucchini, radishes and yogurt. Hooray for celebrating success.

Yet, inside me is the sugar demon fighting for control. The question is how do I lay those demons to rest? How do I give her what she really wants. Which is...a voice. She wants a say in what happens to her. She wants to be trusted to know what is good for her and have her opinion respected. Hmmm. That is the question. It seems so easy but...at the end of the day I feel like her craving for sugar and starches is so out of control that I am scared what listening to her and giving her voice will do. How do you trust someone that has proven to be untrustworthy? How do you trust someone to practice self control when all they want is ultimate control? Maybe those are the questions left to obsess over and not, "should I have ice cream today?"