pattern of a breakthrough

The words for the weekend were control and love. They came from talking with friends, listening to the radio, the sermon at church, reading books. Everywhere I looked the messages were pretty consistent. I am going into the week remembering two things. One,  I don't have control over anything but my own feelings and two, the most important thing is making my decisions motivated by love. 

After thinking through this last week it became clear what was going on. The breakthrough pattern had happened again. I identified a pattern maybe 3 years ago and it is pretty predictable. Still not to the point where I can see it coming and intervene but I know after it has happened. And who knows, maybe it is in my own best interests to not try and control it.   1st I breakdown, then I breakup and then I breakthrough. Let me explain.

Step one Breakdown-that is what eventually happens when I let life get too out of balance. The results from my imbalance usually show in my body first and then moves on to my thoughts, hence my smeagol post. It always ends with me having an emotional breakdown of some sort;  the straw that breaks the camel's back so to speak and I feel the pain. I have never dealt quietly with pain.  There are tears, yelling, lots of noise. I remember mentioning in one of my recent posts that I had reached this out of balance place and was figuring out how to rectify and bring balance. I should have known that by simply identifying I was out of balance I couldn't just start making healthier choices and have everything right itself. The pattern is like dominos, once the first domino falls...

Step two Breakup- I have a tendency of all or nothing thinking so when I breakdown and get emotional of course I want to take control of the situation. Nothing like feeling out of control to bring my control freak out to play. This is where breakup comes into play. I get analytical and start the process of breaking myself and the situation into pieces and trying to decide where I can make changes. Like a puzzle, I spend a lot of time seeing what colors match up and what shapes fit together or don't fit together. A lot of times the changes I come up with are BIG changes.  "Screw this puzzle, I don't like it, I am just going to start a new puzzle." The kind of extreme changes that no one in their right mind would make after just having an emotional breakdown.  Luckily I am a pretty smart woman and vow that no changes will be made immediately. However, the process of letting myself ponder what making big changes would feel like is important. It gives me a chance to tap into some innate knowledge locked away in my brain that only comes from being emotionally vulnerable and open. Hence the third step

Breakthrough-Ah, the beauty of a good epiphany! Almost makes the pain prior to totally worth it. I have to say that I am probably addicted to those big ah ha moments. I just get so excited to make a new discovery about myself or a situation. Since this is the pattern I have created for myself to have those ah ha moments it looks like that is the payoff for getting out of balance. Hmmm. I will have to chew on that thought another time. This specific breakthrough was, as I mentioned about love and control. I get so scared of my failures or potential failures that I grab a hold of whatever I feel I can take control of to feel successful. Plus I am accomplishing tons and feel worthwhile in my contributions. I am building my self esteem up backwards. It feels really good to have control, really safe. No one can touch me when I am in the grips of the control freak. However, that is just the problem. No one can touch me. This controlling nature constructs a wall around my spirit. Like Rapunzel up in the tower; I can see you, talk to you but we can't touch. There is no intimacy and with no intimacy love can not be communicated. 

Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”

 

Words of wisdom to live by. I am looking forward to seeing what new adventure this new week brings. What new lessons my actions lead me to learn. Wish me luck! I'm gonna need it for this wild ride that I am on.